Memories
by Gem056
Summary: Bella thought she was ready for it. She said goodbye to Jake and got in the car. But when the memories came to her,she realizes she isn't over Jake. [one shot] Fluffyness. BxJ a o


** I'd never thought I'd have to say goodbye **

** I never thought I would have to cry**

** Its harder than I thought it would be**

** And after all this time,you only wanted me to see**

** And you only wanted me **  
Jacob had tears in his eyes as he loosened his grasp on my hand and I pulled away,wiping at a tear. I could hear my love standing a few feet away and the engine of his Volvo roar to life,prepared for a long drive. I hung my head as I walked away with my back to him,too much of a coward to look him in the eyes again. Before I knew it,I felt Edward's strong hands wrapped around my wrists and his liquid topaz eyes meeting mine,holding me in a temporary trance. It seemed like time and space both paused at that moment as he leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips,and the sound of Jake's Rabbit starting up.

I turned around and looked at Jake and I felt his eyes staring into mine,his face crumpling in pain with tears sliding down his cheeks. In about twenty five hours,I was going to be transformed into what he hated most. A beautiful,strong,graceful,bloodsucking,monster. With cold,marble skin with all the human warmth drained from me. The urge to kill and drink blood,maybe even human blood if I wasn't able to control myself. He nodded a goodbye and I waved my fingers a little,swallowing away the sobs that were going to break out of my chest. I would always be the same old Bella.

" Bella,don't -- "

" Lets go,Bella-Darling." Edward said softly,cutting him off. It didn't matter what he was going to try to say anyways. He wasn't going to get me down. Get me to not be a vampire and be with my family. I could finally feel like I belonged with Edward,that I deserved him. I would have a family at last. With Alice and Edward and Carlisle and Esme. It would all be so perfect and nothing to hold me back. I was going to feel strong and protected,beautiful and like I deserved him. And most importantly,I would finally have a family. I had Charlie and Renee,and Phil was alright. But an actual family with the love of my life and his parents and siblings.

He smiled and held open the car door for me. I faked a smile as I slid into the seat next to the suitcases that wouldn't fit in the already-crammed trunk. Alice sat bouncing in the passenger seat,excited about moving back to Alaska. I would normally have been daydreaming about all the things me and Edward could do together,or biting my nail about the three long days of burning torture and agony and screaming,wondering how I could get through it,even with Edward by my side holding my hand and there for me through it all. Would he promise to love me forever? He promised. And I promised to love him forever.

I felt the car pull away from the border of the two territories and turn around back to Forks,back to the highway to leave here forever. Leave Jake forever. But I was going to have _family. _And someone who loved me more than anything. I didn't need humanity any longer. I already tried explaining that to Jacob. He just wouldn't understand. But now as the car rolled down the road,swerving around the corner and out of sight,the memories kept flooding back to me. Sitting in the car,I felt like Jake was driving me home again. And like he was talking to me once more,about what I deserved.

I remembered holding up my injured hand to him,and he sighed,saying that wasn't my fault. When he told me he was in love with me. That he _loved _me and I was the only one he would ever see. That he could close his eyes and try to see someone else,but it would always be me. I felt a ping of guilt surge through me. He kissed me. He pulled me close and kissed me,full of raging anger but burning passion,his lips opening mine,and I unwillingly kissed him back. Yet a part of me kept telling me I didn't try hard enough to push him off. That I wanted him to. But when the kiss was over,I snapped my arm back and punched him in the jaw,and ended up breaking my knuckle instead.

_" Jacob,I can't be happy without him."_

_" You never tried." _He disagreed with me then,sighing. _" When he left,you spent all your energy holding onto him. You could be happy if you let go. You could be happy with me."_

I didn't want to be happy with anyone else but Edward. I could see Emmett's truck ahead of us,leading the way as we all drove together. Leaving Forks and the whole city of Seattle once and for all. I was going to be happy. I felt a smile creep up onto my face,and Edward grinned at me,his golden eyes sparkling from the rear view mirror. He kept his eyes on the road,and I kept my eyes on Emmett's truck in front of us. I could see Rosalie's blond head poking up from next to Emmett in the passenger side of the car. But the smile was wiped away and I sighed,pressing my head up against the mirror.

_" Its not like that,you've got it all wrong." _Jake's voice sneaked back into my mind. _" I've seen what its like,through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all,not for Quil,now now. Its so hard to describe. Its not like love at first sight,really. Its more like...gravity moves. When you see her,suddenly its not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her,be anything for her...you become whatever she needs you to be. Whether thats a protector,or a lover,or a friend,or a brother."_

The words cut into me like a knife,just reminding me that I would never see him again. And every single god damned time I replayed that speech in my head,I felt the burning sensation in his voice and the passion in his eyes that were piercing into mine,feeling like we weren't talking about Quil and Claire's relationship anymore. I scowled at the memory,wishing I could just throw it away and erase it. Erase my past,all except for the Cullens. And look forward to nothing but the future. Edward loved me. Though he did lie to me. Once. Well,more than a few times. Jake was honest. I groaned again and felt Alice staring at me,wondering what the trouble was. He kept getting himself back in. Jacob kept wedging himself back into my mind,just like he said he would.

_" Your going to think about it tonight,when he thinks your asleep. You'll be thinking about your options."_

_" If I think about you tonight,it will be because I'm having a nightmare."_

_" Just think about how it could be,Bella." _He was urging me in a soft,but eager voice. _" You wouldn't have to change anything for me. You know Charlie would be happy if you picked me. I could protect you just as well as your vampire can -- maybe better. And I would make you happy,Bella, Theres so much I could give you that he can't. I'll bet he couldn't even kiss you like that -- because he would hurt you. I would never,hurt you Bella."_

Alice continued chatting to Edward again,oblivious to the suffering going on in the backseat. Edward rolled his eyes as Alice tried to convince him to buy a huge,flowing ball gown for me. A wedding dress with layers,ripples,ruffles and ribbons. All a dangerous mixture when its brought to me. But I didn't have the time or the heart to worry about Alice's scary plans to buy me floral and formal dresses,and planning her own fantasy-perfect wedding for us. I felt like I was being stabbed. I clutched the seat cushion,gasping for air.

_" Just think about it,Bella."_

_" No." _I told him,stubbornly.

_" You will. Tonight. And I'll be thinking about you while you're thinking about me."_

_" Like I said,a nightmare." _I said bitterly,

Because now I was thinking about him while he was probably thinking about me. I whimpered a little,and Edwards head shot around. He smiled at me,and I smiled back. He must of thought I was simply excited or worrying about the long three nights of torture ahead of me. But that part was over. This was me worrying about the long _eternity _of torture for hurting Jacob,and hurting myself. It didn't matter though,I was going to be what he hated most. A beautiful,graceful,strong and powerful monster. It didn't matter that I was going to be a monster,as long as I was a _beautiful _one. I scowled. Looks didn't matter,like Jake said I thought they did. That I was only with Edward for his looks. It wasn't true. I was just in love. But then that question came back. In love with what? Or in love with _who?_

It was then when I realized we weren't even half a mile away from the border,and already the memories were taking over. Right back around the turn was the border where I left Jake. Rosalie told me I was too young to know what I wanted in ten years. That I would be happy as a human and I wasn't ready to spend the rest of my life with Edward. But did I have to be a vampire to feel like I deserve him? Being a bloodsucking monster,would it make me feel like I belonged? I wanted to have family. I wanted to have the Cullens and feel like I fit in with them. I didn't have family where I was. I was going to belong. With the small price of missing out on having children,going to college,meeting other people and being friends with Angela and Jess. With the small price of missing out on Jake. Missing out on life. I was never going to see Jacob Black again.

_" I used to think of you like that,you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds quite nicely for me."_

_" Clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an _**Eclipse.**_"_

" Stop!" I screamed in a shrill voice. Alice and Edward turned around with panicked expressions as I gasped for air,squeezing the cushions to remain control . " I said _stop the car_!"

Edward punched the brakes and the car screeched to a stop. I could see up ahead that Emmett stopped too,possibly wondering what the holdup was. My bottom lip was trembling and the color was gone from my face. Edward leaned forward and whispered," Sweetie? Bella,honey? Whats wrong? Whats happening?" I saw the two doors to Emmett's truck open and the beautiful Rosalie came gracefully climbing out. But as soon as the car stopped,I clutched the door handle and flew it open,running out of the car and into the icy cold air.

" Bella!" Edward called after me,not bothering to run yet. " Whats wrong?! Where are you going!?"

**I see you standing there and see**

**You just mean the world to me**

**I touch your hair,I kiss your lips**

**This must be an _Eclipse_**

I ran down the road,back to the turn that wasn't too far back. Back to the border,letting the sobs escape from my chest as I once again grasped at the air,clutching the place where my heart was,to prevent it from breaking any further if that was possible. I heard the little werewolf charm on my bracelet jingle against the little metal links and Elizabeth Mason's diamond heart charm on the opposite side. Despite the sound of the gravel crunching under my sneakers,I heard Edward and the others running after me at human speed,in case any witnesses were around.

I turned on the road and I was back,facing the border and the La Push welcome sign. Jake's car was still there and waiting to be rode. But there was Jacob,standing next to it,with his back to me. I wasn't sure why he didn't leave yet. He stood at the border,staring at the ground where I once stood,possibly wondering if he was dreaming. If I was coming back,if that really happened. Because thats all I kept wondering. This can't be _real. _It started drizzling as I picked up the pace,gentle drops of water landing on my head.

The wind blew my hair back and out of my face,burning my eyes as I ran. My vision fogged and clouded up,everything blurry because the tears flooded my eyes. As I blinked away,the tears spilled down and I just sobbed and gasped,trying to get a hold on reality. I had family. Didn't I? Jacob,Charlie,Renee,Emily,Sam,Quil,Embry,and even Paul...

" Jake!" I called to him.What was I thinking? How could I leave everyone behind? I had to feel like I deserved him and that I had to be beautiful to be with him,when Jake was right there. Jacob looked up and turned around,facing me. He was too far away,but I could definitely tell his eyes widened with surprise as he saw me come running back. I smiled through my tears as I ran up to him. The suffocating feeling slowly drifted away as I saw his smile. _My _Jacob's smile. His friendly smile from the good old days.

Before he could see it coming,I threw myself into his arms and he stumbled backwards suddenly. He laughed with surprise and obviously wondering what I was doing. He wrapped his arms around me and I pulled him close into a hug,breathing him in,taking in his warmth. The warmth Edward couldn't give me. I somehow couldn't frown as he stroked my hair and I looked up into his big brown eyes that were shining with the happiness of me coming back.

" What are you doing,Bells?" He laughed,and I could see his tear stained cheeks dimple as he smiled.

Maybe I could freshen his memory. I stood on my toes because he was so tall,and wrapped my arms around his neck. He leaned his head down to see me better,and I could feel his breath on my neck. I smiled and closed my eyes. His breath smelled fresh and sweet as the warm skin of his cheek brushing against my chin as he tried to lean down to look at me better. I bet he was surprised when I pressed my lips softly up against his. I pulled back for a moment as we both smiled and broke the kiss. He was grinning ear to ear and so was I. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and lift my feet up off of the ground and he crushed his lips up against mine once more,and I applied more pressure this time. Just as it started to pour,the rainwater coming down in buckets.

It was like that time at the campsite. When I kissed him so he wouldn't go to fight. So he wouldn't end up killing himself. I was supposed to hate it. I ended up enjoying it,and he was everywhere. He was the sun in the sky and the grass below my feet. He meant everything to me. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. He ended up leaving me anyways,and getting hurt. I fainted when I found out,but he ended up okay in the end. He made me realize how in love with him I was. And after everything we've been through,I should of realized it from the beginning. He was the person I loved. The person I trusted. _He _was the person I couldn't live my life without. Jacob Black. My life. My love. My only,_only_ one.

" Jake." I whispered,running my fingers through his hair as I felt his hands under my sweater,running them down my bare back. It made me warmer,but at the same time chills ran down my spine. I wanted him to touch me like that again. " Jacob. Oh,Jake!"

" Bells!" He whispered in my ear as he kissed my lobe gently. " I thought you were gone forever. I thought I lost you forever,Bells. What happened? I'm so glad your here."

" My heart didn't stop beating just yet." I shook my head and smiled at him.

" Of course. Because if it did," He pulled my closer to him,my body pressing hard up against his,with his strong hands holding my thighs as he secured me to him. " - so would mine."

He pushed me up against the car but not enough to hurt me. But he was sexy when he was aggressive. He once again pressed himself up against me,pinning me to the car with his heavy weight,yet he still didn't crush me. His body heat warmed me up,as I started to shiver from the rain. He placed his warm lips at the side of my jaw and kissed his way down my neck,to the base of my throat,and to my collar bone. Thunder boomed and lightning struck overhead,but I just smiled. I wrapped my arms around his neck,never wanting to let go. Never wanting to lose him or be away from him.

" I love you so much." I breathed.

" I love you much,_much _more." He teased me,as he kissed me on the lips again.

" Sure,sure." I rolled my eyes at him.

I realized that nothing could tear us apart at that second. I loved him far too much. Not even Edward could break us up now. I was pained by all the memories,when I realized that it wasn't over. We would have many more to go. This was just the beginning of our life. _Our _life. He smiled and leaned down and rested his head on my forehead,staring into my eyes. Nothing could break us up. No one. There was no one else I loved more than him.

Then suddenly,pain shot through me.

Printing. What if Jake imprinted on someone else? Another girl? Far more prettier than I was. Someone funnier,stronger,less clumsy,and someone he loved more. Just like Leah. The color flushed from my face and I felt myself shiver. That could happen. So far,half the pack had it happen to them. Imprinted on someone. I closed my eyes and felt a tear slide down my cheek once more,after I thought the crying stopped. And I heard myself whimper as soon as my mouth opened.

" Bella. Bella,honey. What's wrong?" Jake cupped my face in his hands and looked into my eyes earnestly. " Don't cry. I won't hate you if you still love that bl- I mean,Edward."

" No,I don't love him." It surprised me to say it,but it didn't kill me inside. " You..what if..you find your soul mate. Like Quil and Claire. Sam and Emily.."

" Bella!" He laughed,shaking his head. " Silly Bella."

" What?" I asked him. He put his hands on my cheeks and wiped the tears from my eyes with his finger.

" I imprinted on you."

**I guess I was always in love with you**

**Falling faster and theres nothing I can do**

**I'm starting to like what this friendship has become**

**Our two hards,beating as one**


End file.
